I know that noone will actually read this, but I needed to... let it out.

It seems I'm doomed to endless suffering, just when things were looking the tiniest bit more up again, this had to happen.

I was finally on my way, regaining her trust, trying to be friends with her, and after that try to make her love me again like she used to. I could actually sleep every now and then these days.
I was even maybe gonna meet her again sooner or later, so I could look her in the eye, and tell her I'm sorry for everthing, I could actually hold her again.

But no, I guess I don't deserve even a glimpse of happiness in my life after what happened.
I was trying so hard not to show that I loved her so fucking much, that I missed her so fucking much, and talk to her in a normal friend kind of way, and now she tells me that in 5 days she's been seeing this guy for exactly 2 months. Just like that, right in my fucking face knowing full well how much that'd hurt me. But that's not even what hurt me the most, what hurt me the most is that she's been lying to me for 2 goddamn fucking months. She even has the nerve to say "Check all the mails I sent you, I haven't lied to you about it." Fuck off, maybe you didn't in the litteral sense of the word, but what you did was far worse than just lying about it.

I'm so fucking angry, dissapointend, and depressed right now, I could take my own life and some other unfortunate bystanders with me, I was already well on the way to becoming an "I don't give a fuck about anything." figures, and this has basically pushed me over that little edge, and I wouldn't be surprised if I got myself litteraly onto a little edge in the sky, ready to take that one final step. I'm so sick of the pain, and everytime I feel like it's getting a bit better, it gets worse. You can say it's my own fault for not letting go, and maybe it is. But have you ever felt like you had met The One for you, and wanted to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING for her/him ? Well I did, and you can't just let that go, and I couldn't let go no matter what happened, and I paid for it. And that sucks, because I still believe she is the one. So that means I fucked up with the one for me, so there's no happily after for me anymore. Even now I keep thinking, maybe I deserve this, and worse for what happened over all the months between her and me.

I just can't fucking take this anymore. This is the 2nd time she did this to me. Pretending it's all good, while she's being fucked by some other guy, some goddamn skinny-jean, black hair with a lock in his face, "oh look at me, I'm different" motherfucker. She fucking did it AGAIN. Point a gun at my head and I will pull the trigger for you.